All From One Picture

Last night the girls and I enjoyed a lovely evening with a dear friend and her daughter. We all shared a pizza and soda on her patio and strolled down to our quaint main street for ice cream. The weather was gorgeous, no sweaters needed. The girls were charming and enchanting as we walked and talked and just enjoyed a quintessential summer's eve.

I didn't take my camera (duh) but when the moment arose and Iris sat on the step in her halter top (I simple adore little girls in halter tops) and the light skimmed her back, just so, in that magic moment when the warm sun casts it's angelic glow, I grabbed my friend's camera and took advantage of the moment.

Images like this one of my daughter make me weak in the knees. Her hair, her neck, her shoulder blades, her back, her arms, so small and perfectly formed, so strong and capable. Her spirit so intense, so passionate, so alive. And in only a few weeks, she'll start school. For the first time, my baby will begin her journey outside of me. My heart has been soaring with the thought of the time I'll have to pursue my own endeavors. While equally, I am wrought with sorrow that my youngest is growing up and is poised to be on her own, even if it's only for a few hours a day. It feels like such a big step and I recognize the feeling. It's that Motherhood thing again. The push and pull. The happy and sad. The polarities that exist within each of us as mothers; a state of being that begins as the seed starts to swirl and grow within us. We know that even though this new person feels like such a part of us, that's not entirely the case. Not for very long anyway. And then this soul is born and is indeed, not us. And it will never be. On the contrary, it will be living day by day along side us only to slowly but surely break away. The very thought is almost unbearable. But then there's the joy. The indescribable weight and fullness of true happiness that makes even the most excruciating parts of motherhood pale in comparison. It's the incarnation of the purest love, the greatest potential, the most profound and perfect experience in all it's flaws and shadows. It's a beauty like no other and something we'd never trade for anything. But, it doesn't mean that these baby steps we take won't take their tole on us because each milestone, in all it's triumph, hurts.

As I write, I feel my heart breaking. Again. As it did when my first child came to be. And then my second. And now, after letting go of Julia, I have to do it again with Iris. I've been preparing for this and regardless of the intensity of the loss, I am grateful for these passages in my life and in the lives of my daughters. These are the moments I feel in the very core of my being; that I deeply and passionate experience the love of my children, the giving and the receiving, that I only experience with them. It's a love like no other and it takes my breath away.

Comments

[Alissa]

Wow. Way to make me want to cry. :-)

My oldest started school last week. It was happy, mostly, but a little emotional. It's hard to understand how he can NOT depend on me for every little thing, when he has for the past 5 years. Or I thought he had. Perhaps he was just humoring me?

[morethanamom]

What a wonderful post, Tracey. It makes me sad to look ahead to that. I haven't reached a point where I'm okay with that yet, but I'll have to when I go back to work next April.

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[Izzy]

You clearly know my heart as well as you know your own. It must be a mom thing. This was heartbreakingly beautiful. Thank you :)

[Janeen]

You've captured it so beautifully! Thanks for a wonderful post.

[Susan]

I love the lighting in this photo. It's so soft and warm and compliments the beautiful feelings in the post. Can someone pass me a tissue please?

[Jazzy]

What a beautiful post. You captured very well the feelings of motherhood. Beautiful shot also.

[Nancy]

The picture and post complement each other so well. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and images on a subject that's near and dear to so many moms' hearts.

[Claddyjack]

Ah Trace, so beautifully written. I can feel it.

[Mom101]

You speak for every mother Tracey. From the personal to the universal...perfect. Flawless.

Try looking at it less as loss and more as transition.

[Susan Cuadrado]

I know just how you feel, Tracey. Beautifully written and photographed. I am glad I am not the only sap who thinks about this stuff all the time! Ah, motherhood. I was sentimental before, but geez!

[misha]

So lovely.