Thursday's Free For All

This might normally be a post I write on a Friday because it's just musings really. But what makes this post a little different is that it's more than that. It's about being inspired by someone else's musings. Plus, it ties into The February Perfect Post Awards (hosted by the fab ladies of Suburban Turmoil and Petroville) and that means the post must be written on the first of the month. Today. Thursday.

Back to the musings part. When I read this post by Tere at A Mom, a Blog and the Life In-Between I almost cried. It just resonated with me so deeply for I too have the same swiss cheese brain of which she speaks and it's maddening and heartbreaking at the same time. I've come to realize I have very few vivid memories of life with my daughters as babies. Life with my first (who is now 9) has faded with the passing of time. But with my second it feels like many of the memories weren't even retained thanks to a hideous bout of postpartum depression. That, mixed with the time-lapse (she's now 3), has left me in many ways feeling void of memories all together.

Accept, then I remember something...my photographs. And my journal entries. I do have those. I can look back at photos and read my writing and slowly some of those fleeting moments flash and flicker before me. Big heavy sigh. All is not lost. But, reading Tere's post just took me to that place...that pit in my stomache that I get when I am reminded that my little girls are growing up. That they'll never be babies again. That I'll never hold them to my full breast and look down to see those bright eyes gazing at me and hear the gluping of a hungry cub. That I'll never hear the baby babble or wake to discover a tooth bud that's pushed it's way through paper thin gums, lips and chin shining with drool, and the early morning smiles I would get just because I entered the room. And that smell. That smell that my babies had. It was sweet, buttery and simply delicious and it will never again intoxicate me. Instead, I have long, lanky, banged up legs that dangle to my knees as I carry my sack of potato girl up to bed, with her sweaty head and dirty finger nails. Now, I have the toothy grin of a tween that will soon be wearing braces and look far too old to be my baby who smells of American Girl body wash and stinky socks. Then, I read posts like Tere's and I am reminded that what I do have is this new moment to focus on, to breath in, to experience, and if I do anything right, I will continue to write it all down, take lots of pictures and try to remember.

Comments

[chris]

Tracey, I too had post-partum depression with my oldest (and I'm talking SEVERE depression) and his whole first year is a blur. He's 10 now and we butt heads and argue so much that I have this intense guilt now because I wonder just how much we didn't bond that first year, if at all. My husband said we did, but I honestly don't remember any of it. That's why I have all my photos now. It helps.

[maile]

thank you for this. I got out the dusty journal and actually wrote something in it today about my wonderful children. With an actual pen and paper. It had been a while. But you've reminded me about how fast everything goes by.

[Tere]

Many thanks, Tracey. It's an honor. (Linky-love and much gushiness over at my homepage).

[Stacy]

Tracey, thanks for linking to Tere and her wonderful article. My oldest is 3 and I find it hard to remember everything, too...the images of them as infants are fading. That's why taking pictures is so important to me. I do have to remember to take pictures of them being silly little kids...not all of the pictures need to look like they can go up on the wall...snapshots are okay, too.

[amygeekgrl]

great post.

[Island jen]

I don't remember much of when my kids were really little babies (and the youngest is only 2!!) but I do have baby books, blog posts, and A LOT of photos.
I concentrate on trying to make every day a pleasant memory for them so they can repeat them back to me later on when I have forgotten. "Mom, I used to love it when you would sit down and colour with me and we would sing songs." You know, stuff like that- that you didn't think was important at the time but it was a happy time that your kids remember forever.
life is to short to waste your time feeling guilty about stuff, especially when it comes to your kids.

[Jenny]

I think about this a lot too. First because I have a swiss cheese brain and a half. And secondly because my mom passed away just months before my first was born and I've been raising my kids with the stark realization that I don't remember many memories with my mom and that I remember less and less as time goes by. It scares me to think I might lose so much of my mother and then I think of the same with my kids... that I might forget and lose these amazing early years. Its heartbreaking, but at least we can hold on to those pictures, journal entries, blog posts, and videos...

[Jenny A.]

I just got out my oldest's baby book this week. I was surprised to read the things I put down before he was born 11 years ago---that he be a good little kid, fair with other kids, etc. We laughed about that because his personality was so not compliant, and he was just so headstrong. We took him to 6th grade parent orientation last night---he'll go to a new school, jr. high.----and it all comes rushing in again. He's slipping away from me, but in a good way. I miss him as a little kid, but I like him more and more. I'm going to have to connect all these things together into my own blog later today!! I am so thankful I have so many pictures of both my kids, my albums I lovingly put together. Without those, I'd remember even less. And I am really bad, but it's almost as if it didn't happen if I didn't take a picture of the event!

[Tracy Green]

I have thought those same thoughts so many times lately it seems like. The last 2 1/2 years since our beautiful daughter was born have gone by in record time. I do write things down, take pictures and video, but there are still things that I have forgotten and that makes me sad. I definitely agree with focusing on the time I have with her right now, but if I dwell on the little moments I am forgetting about her it makes me want to cry!

[melody]

I have vivid memories of the infancy of my biological son.

I often get teary-eyed that I was not there for the first year of two of my adopted sons or for the traumatic birth of another of my adopted sons. I missed two first birthdays, two first Christmases...but I have all 4 of my sons for life. It's all good in the end.

[sweetsalty kate]

This post is full of such sweetness Tracey.. I can't imagine what that must be like, to see your kids out in the world, forging their own friendships and experiences and adventures. It must be amazing.. bittersweet, but amazing.

What always comes to mind for me, with a 2-year-old, is the intensity of the physical connection. Less now than during breastfeeding of course, but still, he's an extension of us, another limb. I can strip off his clothes and squeeze his bum, clean his nose, blow raspberries on his belly whenever I want. When he starts to become more physically his own rather than ours - when he starts needing privacy and having secrets - I'll mourn my ownership of him.

But, your post is such a lovely reminder of how the relationship may lose that aspect, but gain so much more. It will be such an interesting transition to have your kids become your companions - equals in conversation, fun to spend time with.. it must leave you bursting with pride.

Beautiful, infectious thoughts!

[brandie s]

*sigh* How, oh how did our ancestors make it without pictures??? I too just wish I could sink back into that "oblivious delirum" of the first year and actually replay it over and over... Although, I didn't have any types of depression (that I know of) I was seriously sleep deprived! Thank Goodness in MOST of the pics I am behind the camera and not in front of it! lol :}